The Three Billy Goats Gruff //Retold//
by ShinigamiD
Summary: ... Can't tell. Can't ruin surprise. Read it if you want. I don't like screaming "R&R!!!" in people's faces. Flames and Rants welcome.


The Three Billy Goats Gruff. //Retold//  
  
Greetings, I am The Troll. My name's Hortentier Gambusie Takanotachi. But you can call me Fluffy, everyone does. A physical description? Well, I'm quite handsome, really. I got the good genes from my Father's side. The long, scraggly hair, the beautiful, shiny, mismatched eyes, the hairy nose. And best of all, the natural body odour. But that was from my mom. You might have inferred from my name that I'm one-third Japanese, one-third Norwegian and one-third everything else. But before I launch into my family history, let me tell you the real story about the Three Billy Goats Gruff.   
  
I lived under a bridge. Nothing fancy, just me, the wood above my head and the flies. I like to keep a simple household. I was harmless; Just ate a couple of humans each month. And the occasional boar. Hey, I'm a growing troll, I get hungry sometimes. I can't live on berries and fish, you know. I need my nutrition. Anyway, here's when the trouble started…  
  
I was soundly asleep under my bridge, when there was this horrendously loud thundering of hooves above me. Much like sitting next to the speakers in a rock concert. So, not surprisingly, I jolted awake. And believe me when I say I'm not a morning person. Snarling and blinking the sunrays from my night-accustomed eyes, I hollered, "Who's that trip-trapping over my bridge?"  
  
In reply, this annoyingly sweet and shrill voice reached my ears. I swear, at that moment, I heard my eardrums keel over, begging for mercy. "It's me, the youngest little Billy Goat Gruff." Argh! Talk about sharp notes! And I thought my sister was bad. Headache worsened by assault of ears, I threatened that I would eat the little thing if he did not scat. And fast. But instead of running away on his scrawny hind legs, he actually had the gall to answer back! He told me to wait for his older brother, saying some nonsense like how he was bigger and thus would have more meat. I was appalled! Imagine selling your brother to a troll! Sure, the troll was me, but he was betraying his own brother! I will never understand adolescents.   
  
I told him to get out of my way before… Well, never mind before what. So he skipped along, probably on his way to kill his grandmother. I mean, he set up his brother. Sheesh. Sorry. I do not like the "bye-bye sibling, I'm saving my own butt" thing.   
  
Anyway, the bus to Slumberland just pulled-up at the bus stop when another set of hooves started bouncing on my head. Fine, above my head. Who cares about details, anyway?! Now I was really mad. //I need my freaking sleep, damnit! Sheesh~// I jerked awake and bellowed in what I hoped was a I'm-sleepy-leave-me-the-heck-alone voice, "Who's that trip-trapping on my bridge?!"   
  
This time, instead of an irritatingly high, perky voice, this medium (thank god!) sing-song voice (ugh.) replied, "Me~EEE, the secon~nnnd~ Bi~iiilly~~~ Go~~oat Gruff~~~."  
  
Ack. My poor poor head. I was about to scream "Go away! Need. Sleep." When he suddenly spoke up. "You~~uuu know, my brother, the Biggest Bi~~iiily Goa~~at Gru~~uff is next~. And he's bi~iiger tha~~~n me~EEE. Bye~~~!!!" ARGH! I did not care how fat and yummy he was. I just wanted my afternoon nap! And what was it with kids these days?! What ever happened to self-sacrificing being a virtue?! But nooo~~ Ahem. Sorry. Got carried away there. Back to the story. So he flounced away-probably to go help his brother kill their grandfather. Flounced? This was getting seriously disturbing. It occurred to me that somehow, the Gruff brothers could possibly be-- *cough* Nevermind.   
  
I was snoring by the time the third intruder started pounding on the wood. "What the *censored-don't you just hate self-censoring?--* do you want now?!" I screamed in frustration.   
  
"You." Replied this sexy, deep voice. Ahh… My head. All healed now. Wait. Did he just say--?! I peered over the side of my bridge. Whoa. This huge goat was seriously giving me come-hither looks. This was worrying. Or not. *grin*  
  
So I climbed onto the bridge, squinting in the sunlight. Once I was fully on the planks of wood, he pounced. Really and truly pounced. Whoohoo. Down boy. Unfortunately, the force of his… pounce, knocked the both of us into the river. Which washed us downstream. Way downstream. *cough*  
  
So, I left my homely bridge and now I live in the pastures with Billy. It isn't all that bad. The only thing is, he insists on me bathing every day. Or I sleep on the couch.   
  
End.  
  
  
=ShinigamiD= 


End file.
